He says I am beautiful, and I believe him!

I always joke with Sam that we will write a book someday.  A book about marriage.  No, we aren't perfect but we have both enjoyed so much the journey.  Last night while making supper he said, "When we write our book we are going to have a chapter called, 'Believing He Thinks You Are Beautiful."  I immediately thought back to a conversation that we had a few weeks ago about how a woman we know has such confidence in her looks.

Sam's reply when I made the comment was, "Her husband tells her every day that she is beautiful.  And she believes it."

Ouch.

It is known that in recent years I have struggled with my appearance.  Never thin enough, never tone enough, and sadly, never happy enough.  God has really been calling me to a place of being content with the here and now, with all that He has provided.  One such area has been my self body image.  I have felt especially convicted of this watching my children grow and develop and not wanting to pass my insecurities on to them.  What if all they remember is me not being happy with my weight? What if all they remember is my constant talk about the number on the scale? Or how much I don't like this part of my body?  It can and will consume our lives if we let it, it is a choice to not.
 
My husband is head over heals in love with me, I can honestly say that.  He would move mountains for me.  He tells me every single day how hot I am.  He comments on my clothing and how nice I look in it.  I had pulled out some short sleeve shirts in the nice weather last week and I asked Sam how my arms looked, I was worried that the sleeves were too tight and it made my arms look bad.  He looked at me and said, "Seriously?  You are beautiful."  Then he sweetly reminded me I shouldn't be worried about that.

How many times are we told how beautiful we are by our husband and we choose to ignore it?  Sam commented last night how much better my mood (yes, commenting in dangerous territory!) was now that I believe how beautiful he knows I am.  It has totally changed how I look at myself, and it has really changed how we interact with each other.  I have been working hard on letting Sam's compliments settle in my thick brain and really live like I know that he believes I am beautiful.  Guess what?  He noticed.  And he was giddy about it, as giddy as Sam gets.

So this got me thinking about how quickly I am to turn away God's compliments that He pours on me.  How many times does God lavish love on us and we choose to dismiss it?? Choose to ignore it because we feel like we don't deserve it?  We feel like we aren't good enough. 

Ladies, it is time we claim it.  It is time I stop dismissing my husband and really believe that he think I am absolutely beautiful.  And live confidently behind it!

It is time that we stop pushing away the Heavenly Father's love for us. 
Sit back, and let Him lavish is love on us.  Because when we are able to recieve love from the Heavenly Father, we can then turn around and pour that love right back out on everyone around us.

I am not sure why, but this song has been ringing through my mind this week.  Maybe it will bless you also. 

In all I do, I honor You.

We sang "Amazing Love" this week at Church.  I was struck and felt extremely convicted singing the last two lines of the chorus,

It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

1 Corinthians 10:31 has been my 'life verse'.  I try and keep this verse in focus when I begin to feel frazzled (which is, unfortunately, all to often!!).  I want to honor God in all I do!  It is truly my hearts desire.  However, I do fail at it often.

1 Corinthians 10:31

 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

So, Sunday...  We had a pretty rough homeschooling week.  Lots of tears, lots of "Lord, HELP ME!", lots of hugs, and maybe a little yelling.  Lots of brokenness covered with lots of grace and forgiveness.  I was feeling particularly stinky after our week, if you remember my raw honest post on home schooling last week.   God laid it on my heart that I had not been honoring Him in my raw emotional post on homeschooling.  I am choosing to keep it up rather than deleting, because it is real.  It is how I was feeling, and I have to believe that I am NOT the only Momma out there that has ever felt this way homeschooling their precious babies.  

Is homeschooling hard?  You betcha!  Can I still honor God in the midst?  Absolutely.  Will it be hard?  Yes.  I am a firm believer that you have to be pushed out of your comfort zone to truly rely on the Lord for your strength.  And for the last 6 months I have been desperately trying to do it myself.  I have failed miserably.  Parenting is tough enough and then when you add education into the mix, it reaches a whole new level.  

Humbly, I apologize for not honoring the Lord.  I am blessed to be able to have the option of homeschooling and for that I praise God.    I am also so thankful that we serve a Living God who is always working in our hearts to mold it to become more like Him!!

Do you like it? Homeschooling?

I was asked recently if I liked homeschooling.

My reply?  I hate it.

There it is, all out there in the honest truth.  I hate the constant correction.  I always feel like I am yelling... "Finish that page!" "Hey! Why are you up from the table again?" "How many times have I asked you to finish that assignment???"

I want blissfully happiness in all our days.  I want my kiddos to show up to school willing and ready to work hard.  I read these blogs of totally blissful homeschooling momma's in their perfect well maintained/furnished houses with their children perfectly dressed and work so hard that their work is completed by lunch.  Bliss.  Right??? 

This week was going really well and then went down hill.  I am not sure what happened, and it wasn't the kiddos.  It was me.  I felt my feet slip into this sinking hole of despair, the kind that drives you to bed and steals every ounce of energy so getting out again isn't an option.  The same day, our school books for next year were delivered and I looked at the with tears in my eyes.  I just couldn't imagine doing this again.  It has been an exhausting, emotional year of homeschooling. 

Even though homeschooling is utterly exhausting for me, I do believe that this is what God has called us to do for our family.  This year has been a whole lot of lessons from the Lord for me.  I know I will look back and say, "Wow, I am so thankful for that year of correction."  But right now?  It hurts like...a lot.

There is joy in obedience.  And it is my prayer that all the hard work now will pay off in the long run!  I really do love being their cheerleader!

I want them to know...

Spring is in full swing.

Spring is so full of possibilities.  School is winding down.  Baseball is filling our evenings. The dead of winter is quickly turning into luscious greens and the sun is now giving off that beautiful warm hue.

I was tucking our little baby into bed tonight.  Well, he isn't so little anymore.  But he is my baby, and my baby he will be.  We have been working on getting him to sleep in a big boy bed in his own bedroom.  A tough transition for all of us.  I sit by his bed and read with him while reassuring him that he is ok and can fall asleep without the comfort of me right in bed next to him.  I can't help but smother him with kisses and then sit outside his door listening with my heart aching to go in and scoop him up.  I know that this is an important step, not just for him but for his Momma too.  This parenting business has taught me so much, and you'd think by the 4th try I'd have it pretty much figured out.  I don't. 

As I knelt down to give the baby a few more smooches before I tip toed out the door whispering I love yous... I couldn't help but think about the days when I would do this to my big baby, my oldest.  He isn't so excited for me to smother him in 'smooches' anymore.  I have had to really step back and look at how I can cover him in kisses, while not covering him in kisses.  I know how to shower love on a baby like a torrential down pour, showering love on my 8 year old is a bit more difficult.  He rarely demands my attention and can easily slip through the cracks.  I want to make sure he feels the shower of love reign down on him from his parents.

This burden has been weighing heavily on my heart for all our children.  They are all magnificently different and I want to tap into their hearts and fill it with Momma love.  It takes time.  It takes commitment.  The most difficult for me, it takes patience. 

I don't have it figured out.  I don't even have a game plan.  It is just a heavy burden on my heart as I pour as much as I can into these awesome little creatures God has allowed us to 'claim' on this side of Heaven.  As they grow, the parenting challenges become bigger and increase in intensity.  I often feel like I am buckling with the weight and I often just sit back and marvel at how lovely these little people are.  I often wonder if this really is my life. 

I want them to know that I marvel at them.  That I feel so blessed that they are part of our family.  I want them to know that I love them so much that my heart physically hurts.  I want them to know that I can't help but smirk at their Daddy over our dinner conversations because they are so stinken' cute.  I want them to know that it is an honor to fold their little shirts and even though I beg them to not get grass stains on their church pants... I know that running in the fresh spring grass beckons my one son's name and I smile knowing how much he loves Creation.  I want them to know how much I love listening to them read next to me, with my arm wrapped around their waist...and how it is so comforting to have them so close that my eyes drift off to sleep. 

I want them to know that I fail every single day being a Mom, but my failures have no measure on how much I love and adore them.  I want them to know that being a Mom has changed me more than anything else in this world and that I pray every single day, sometimes moment by moment that God will continue to work in my heart.  I pray that my failures will become less and less and the time between them would grow.  And that space would just fill with a tender loving Momma.

I want them to know that I love them, to the moon and back.

The Skinny Girl...

...with weight issues.

Yes, that is me.  I have thought about this post for a long time.  I have battled this battle within daily, multiple times a day for the last 4 or so years.  Please bare with me.  Don't judge me because I am 'skinny'.  I am baring it all here, and I feel quite vulnerable about it.

I never cared or worried about my weight or what I looked like.  I was always the athletic chick.  I could eat a box of those little debbie brownies and then go play a whole soccer game.  My mom always joked with me at how high my metabolism was and I would laugh it off.  I kept active in college and can't even remember if I gained the "freshmen 15".  I honestly can't tell you what I weighed until 4 years ago with the exception of pregnancies when I was weighed regularly.

It was after the birth of my daughter that I got a little crazy.  Running became an obsession for me.  There were times when I really did enjoy it, but for the most part I ran to burn off calories.  I began to hate my body post 3 pregnancies and 3 c-sections.  Discontentment began to rise in my heart and I found comparison rearing it's ugly head.  I wanted the size 3 pants and small clothing.  I thought I would find happiness in a number on a scale.

It is crazy.  Why?  Because I have all I could have ever imagined.  I am married to a man who is head over heals in love with me, he adores me and provides for us.  My children are just amazing.  I have a great extended family.  So why did I need to find happiness in a meaningless number on the scale?  Crazy.  As I've gotten older, I've seen the discontentment with our bodies as women.  We struggle for control.  It all fits together.  It all strikes right through my heart.

So 4 years ago, running became something sick for me.  I started eating as few calories as possible.  Weighing myself multiple times a day.  Hoping to see the numbers drop on the scale.  I was hoping to find happiness in that number but as the numbers dropped happiness still eluded me.  I found myself struggling to get out of bed.  My body began to fail me.  I physically couldn't run and I watched the numbers creep back up on the scale. 

I cringe when someones says to me, "If only I could loose 10 pounds, then I'd be happy."  Or, "I just need to loose this little bit of weight."  I lost 20lbs and I was no more happy then when I first started loosing the weight.  Happiness has NOTHING to do with the number on the scale, it has to do with the heart.  It has to do with our relationship to the Maker of the Universe.  It has to do with trusting Him!  

It has been a battle.  To enjoy running again without me becoming obsessive.  It is me finding joy in the girl God created me to be regardless of what the scale says.  It is stepping on the scale and not finding my worth in that number.

I am running now for the first time in 2 years.  I am running with my boys.  I am focusing on where God has me and driving forward toward contentment with this body that has brought 4 healthy babies to be part of our family.  Don't look at the skinny girl and think that she is blissfully happy, she may just be struggling with issues you couldn't imagine!

I, by no means, have this figured out.  I am very much on the journey.  Not near the beginning, and no where near the end.   God is still working on me, and I am constantly telling myself to knock it off and trust in the One who made me. 

"I Could Never Do That..."

When I tell people I home school our kiddos, a super cape must begin flapping behind me.  I am always told, "Wow, that is so hard. I could never do that." I am never quite sure how to respond because neither can I. I am usually on the brink of tears and frustration abounds in my sinful heart as I crave the "me" time everyone tells me I should have.  Believe me, the line is not short of people telling me to send my kids off to public school so I can have a break.

The problem is, God has called us to home school our children.  Yea, Yea...I DO crave and WANT time alone.  I really do want to go to the grocery store without it being a circus production and come home not utterly exhausted from corralling children.  (My children are well behaved, in my opinion.  But they only last so long before the baby attempts to abandon ship aka. the cart and the temptation to touch is just to much.)  I would really enjoy being able to make plans with girlfriends during the day...but homeschooling make friendships difficult. 

When I start listening to the people who are saying "send them to school" or "look what you are missing out on", then I start to get a little testy.  A little grumpy about the blessing God has given me.  He has given me the opportunity to home school my lovelies.  It doesn't mean I wear a cape.  It means I get through a day by His Grace.  Because, honestly, I don't know how I do it either.  It doesn't mean I possess a quality that some of these other Momma's don't have.  Because I don't have it.  I was (or am?) a trained teacher to a room full of students on roughly the same level, not this crazy all over the page craziness.  I have a climbing baby who is most interested in seeing what he can dump or tear apart or see how high he can climb or what baby proof lock he can break.  I have a preschooler who I am sure knows letters, sounds, and numbers but it isn't the most important thing in her world.  I have a 1st grader who needs a ton of reassurance and every lesson I transform into an actress to teach him. My 2nd grader hates to see anything less than 100% on his papers and is reading a few grades above level. 

God has called us to sacrifice.  And no, I don't have a cape.

The Basics

I've been in somewhat of a pit, always striving yet always missing the mark.

This week I got back to the basics.  Back to the priorities, away from my own selfish desires.  And I re-discovered grace that rains down from heaven.  The kind of rain that the sun shines through and the warm spreads through your clothing and you want to spread you arms out wide and take off twirling in the yard. 

I am sure it is no coincidence that this all happens the week after Sam's lengthy basketball season ends.

I often find that I am struggling with the sacrifices that are needed for homeschooling.  I sometimes, ok more than sometimes, find myself jealous of others that can freely go and come during the day.  I try and do that.  It fails and backfires in my face immediately.  I was in this vicious cycle for a few months.  Spending too much time out of the house, away from schooling, coming home and being frustrated that we didn't complete as much school work as I had hoped that week.  Then I would blow up.  Frustration in abundance for all. 

I've spent this week getting back to the priorities.  God has called us to home school these precious babies He has given us, and I need to be content with the call.  I am going to greatly scale back our activities for the rest of the year so we can finish the year strong.  I am going to put me feet on the solid Rock.  I am going to be content with the call that the Lord has given me, for when I am weak He makes me strong.