Just keep swimming....

I keep looking out the window...

I look for his car...

Hoping he will pull in...

I love these little ones at my feet, but today...today, I feel crazy.

And I just want to see his car pull in.

It has been a long transition back into the school year.  With three kiddos needing lessons, a mobile baby, and the endless amounts of housework that need to be accomplished I feel tense and stressed.

I am not the poster child for homeschooling this year.  I hate it.  Down right hate it.  I may or may not have thought about calling the school and enrolling the kids.  I want to love it.  I want to enjoy having them here.  But where, HOW?, do I find balance??  How do I balance mom/teacher?  Or maid/teacher?  Or chef/teacher? And fit it all into the day? 

The days are long and I know, I hope, that in a few years I won't regret these days.  I'll just keep plugging away.  I am learning how to rely on God.  To look to Him for strength to get through the day. 

Just keep swimming....

Patience...

I sink into bed.  Replaying the day in my mind.  We are only two weeks into our homeschooling year, and I've failed more times than I can count.  I learned much about my sinful nature in our first year of homeschooling.

I love how people assume you are swimming in a sea of patience when they hear the word "home school".

Person to my child: "Are you excited for school to start?"

My child: "Oh, we have been doing school work for a week now! We home school!!"

Person to my child: "Wow, that is nice!"
Person immediately to me: "I just don't have the patience to do that."

I smile.  And nod.  Add the nod for good measure.

Then I go through the pros and cons of filling this unsuspecting person in on my abundance of patience, or lack there of.

The time I lost it and yelled.  The time my frustration was obvious to the kiddos.  The time I made them cry. 

I'm just rolling in patience, I tell ya. 

This school year was coming up quickly, and I faced it with much trepidation.  Why?  Because I see my yucky sinful behaviors and attitudes in my children after they spend day in and day out with me.  Why??  Because I have to work on changing my heart.  Why??? Because the schooling part is easy, it is my spiritual growth (hopefully!) that comes with pain. 

I do want to give up.  Send the bunch of the kiddos off on their bus.  It is hard.  The responsibility is daunting some day.  The constant mirror back into my own heart makes me want to run and hide under the covers. 

Then, I put on my big girl boots.  Tell myself that the beautiful children are on this same road I am, so why not travel it together??  We read Psalm 127 together for our Bible time, and what a sweet reminder of what a blessing my children are.  The gift they are from the Lord!

Patience, I am lacking.  However, I am a child of the King!  And grace flows abundantly from Him!