Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Skinny Girl...

...with weight issues.

Yes, that is me.  I have thought about this post for a long time.  I have battled this battle within daily, multiple times a day for the last 4 or so years.  Please bare with me.  Don't judge me because I am 'skinny'.  I am baring it all here, and I feel quite vulnerable about it.

I never cared or worried about my weight or what I looked like.  I was always the athletic chick.  I could eat a box of those little debbie brownies and then go play a whole soccer game.  My mom always joked with me at how high my metabolism was and I would laugh it off.  I kept active in college and can't even remember if I gained the "freshmen 15".  I honestly can't tell you what I weighed until 4 years ago with the exception of pregnancies when I was weighed regularly.

It was after the birth of my daughter that I got a little crazy.  Running became an obsession for me.  There were times when I really did enjoy it, but for the most part I ran to burn off calories.  I began to hate my body post 3 pregnancies and 3 c-sections.  Discontentment began to rise in my heart and I found comparison rearing it's ugly head.  I wanted the size 3 pants and small clothing.  I thought I would find happiness in a number on a scale.

It is crazy.  Why?  Because I have all I could have ever imagined.  I am married to a man who is head over heals in love with me, he adores me and provides for us.  My children are just amazing.  I have a great extended family.  So why did I need to find happiness in a meaningless number on the scale?  Crazy.  As I've gotten older, I've seen the discontentment with our bodies as women.  We struggle for control.  It all fits together.  It all strikes right through my heart.

So 4 years ago, running became something sick for me.  I started eating as few calories as possible.  Weighing myself multiple times a day.  Hoping to see the numbers drop on the scale.  I was hoping to find happiness in that number but as the numbers dropped happiness still eluded me.  I found myself struggling to get out of bed.  My body began to fail me.  I physically couldn't run and I watched the numbers creep back up on the scale. 

I cringe when someones says to me, "If only I could loose 10 pounds, then I'd be happy."  Or, "I just need to loose this little bit of weight."  I lost 20lbs and I was no more happy then when I first started loosing the weight.  Happiness has NOTHING to do with the number on the scale, it has to do with the heart.  It has to do with our relationship to the Maker of the Universe.  It has to do with trusting Him!  

It has been a battle.  To enjoy running again without me becoming obsessive.  It is me finding joy in the girl God created me to be regardless of what the scale says.  It is stepping on the scale and not finding my worth in that number.

I am running now for the first time in 2 years.  I am running with my boys.  I am focusing on where God has me and driving forward toward contentment with this body that has brought 4 healthy babies to be part of our family.  Don't look at the skinny girl and think that she is blissfully happy, she may just be struggling with issues you couldn't imagine!

I, by no means, have this figured out.  I am very much on the journey.  Not near the beginning, and no where near the end.   God is still working on me, and I am constantly telling myself to knock it off and trust in the One who made me.