Monday, April 29, 2013

I want them to know...

Spring is in full swing.

Spring is so full of possibilities.  School is winding down.  Baseball is filling our evenings. The dead of winter is quickly turning into luscious greens and the sun is now giving off that beautiful warm hue.

I was tucking our little baby into bed tonight.  Well, he isn't so little anymore.  But he is my baby, and my baby he will be.  We have been working on getting him to sleep in a big boy bed in his own bedroom.  A tough transition for all of us.  I sit by his bed and read with him while reassuring him that he is ok and can fall asleep without the comfort of me right in bed next to him.  I can't help but smother him with kisses and then sit outside his door listening with my heart aching to go in and scoop him up.  I know that this is an important step, not just for him but for his Momma too.  This parenting business has taught me so much, and you'd think by the 4th try I'd have it pretty much figured out.  I don't. 

As I knelt down to give the baby a few more smooches before I tip toed out the door whispering I love yous... I couldn't help but think about the days when I would do this to my big baby, my oldest.  He isn't so excited for me to smother him in 'smooches' anymore.  I have had to really step back and look at how I can cover him in kisses, while not covering him in kisses.  I know how to shower love on a baby like a torrential down pour, showering love on my 8 year old is a bit more difficult.  He rarely demands my attention and can easily slip through the cracks.  I want to make sure he feels the shower of love reign down on him from his parents.

This burden has been weighing heavily on my heart for all our children.  They are all magnificently different and I want to tap into their hearts and fill it with Momma love.  It takes time.  It takes commitment.  The most difficult for me, it takes patience. 

I don't have it figured out.  I don't even have a game plan.  It is just a heavy burden on my heart as I pour as much as I can into these awesome little creatures God has allowed us to 'claim' on this side of Heaven.  As they grow, the parenting challenges become bigger and increase in intensity.  I often feel like I am buckling with the weight and I often just sit back and marvel at how lovely these little people are.  I often wonder if this really is my life. 

I want them to know that I marvel at them.  That I feel so blessed that they are part of our family.  I want them to know that I love them so much that my heart physically hurts.  I want them to know that I can't help but smirk at their Daddy over our dinner conversations because they are so stinken' cute.  I want them to know that it is an honor to fold their little shirts and even though I beg them to not get grass stains on their church pants... I know that running in the fresh spring grass beckons my one son's name and I smile knowing how much he loves Creation.  I want them to know how much I love listening to them read next to me, with my arm wrapped around their waist...and how it is so comforting to have them so close that my eyes drift off to sleep. 

I want them to know that I fail every single day being a Mom, but my failures have no measure on how much I love and adore them.  I want them to know that being a Mom has changed me more than anything else in this world and that I pray every single day, sometimes moment by moment that God will continue to work in my heart.  I pray that my failures will become less and less and the time between them would grow.  And that space would just fill with a tender loving Momma.

I want them to know that I love them, to the moon and back.