I want them to know...

Spring is in full swing.

Spring is so full of possibilities.  School is winding down.  Baseball is filling our evenings. The dead of winter is quickly turning into luscious greens and the sun is now giving off that beautiful warm hue.

I was tucking our little baby into bed tonight.  Well, he isn't so little anymore.  But he is my baby, and my baby he will be.  We have been working on getting him to sleep in a big boy bed in his own bedroom.  A tough transition for all of us.  I sit by his bed and read with him while reassuring him that he is ok and can fall asleep without the comfort of me right in bed next to him.  I can't help but smother him with kisses and then sit outside his door listening with my heart aching to go in and scoop him up.  I know that this is an important step, not just for him but for his Momma too.  This parenting business has taught me so much, and you'd think by the 4th try I'd have it pretty much figured out.  I don't. 

As I knelt down to give the baby a few more smooches before I tip toed out the door whispering I love yous... I couldn't help but think about the days when I would do this to my big baby, my oldest.  He isn't so excited for me to smother him in 'smooches' anymore.  I have had to really step back and look at how I can cover him in kisses, while not covering him in kisses.  I know how to shower love on a baby like a torrential down pour, showering love on my 8 year old is a bit more difficult.  He rarely demands my attention and can easily slip through the cracks.  I want to make sure he feels the shower of love reign down on him from his parents.

This burden has been weighing heavily on my heart for all our children.  They are all magnificently different and I want to tap into their hearts and fill it with Momma love.  It takes time.  It takes commitment.  The most difficult for me, it takes patience. 

I don't have it figured out.  I don't even have a game plan.  It is just a heavy burden on my heart as I pour as much as I can into these awesome little creatures God has allowed us to 'claim' on this side of Heaven.  As they grow, the parenting challenges become bigger and increase in intensity.  I often feel like I am buckling with the weight and I often just sit back and marvel at how lovely these little people are.  I often wonder if this really is my life. 

I want them to know that I marvel at them.  That I feel so blessed that they are part of our family.  I want them to know that I love them so much that my heart physically hurts.  I want them to know that I can't help but smirk at their Daddy over our dinner conversations because they are so stinken' cute.  I want them to know that it is an honor to fold their little shirts and even though I beg them to not get grass stains on their church pants... I know that running in the fresh spring grass beckons my one son's name and I smile knowing how much he loves Creation.  I want them to know how much I love listening to them read next to me, with my arm wrapped around their waist...and how it is so comforting to have them so close that my eyes drift off to sleep. 

I want them to know that I fail every single day being a Mom, but my failures have no measure on how much I love and adore them.  I want them to know that being a Mom has changed me more than anything else in this world and that I pray every single day, sometimes moment by moment that God will continue to work in my heart.  I pray that my failures will become less and less and the time between them would grow.  And that space would just fill with a tender loving Momma.

I want them to know that I love them, to the moon and back.

The Skinny Girl...

...with weight issues.

Yes, that is me.  I have thought about this post for a long time.  I have battled this battle within daily, multiple times a day for the last 4 or so years.  Please bare with me.  Don't judge me because I am 'skinny'.  I am baring it all here, and I feel quite vulnerable about it.

I never cared or worried about my weight or what I looked like.  I was always the athletic chick.  I could eat a box of those little debbie brownies and then go play a whole soccer game.  My mom always joked with me at how high my metabolism was and I would laugh it off.  I kept active in college and can't even remember if I gained the "freshmen 15".  I honestly can't tell you what I weighed until 4 years ago with the exception of pregnancies when I was weighed regularly.

It was after the birth of my daughter that I got a little crazy.  Running became an obsession for me.  There were times when I really did enjoy it, but for the most part I ran to burn off calories.  I began to hate my body post 3 pregnancies and 3 c-sections.  Discontentment began to rise in my heart and I found comparison rearing it's ugly head.  I wanted the size 3 pants and small clothing.  I thought I would find happiness in a number on a scale.

It is crazy.  Why?  Because I have all I could have ever imagined.  I am married to a man who is head over heals in love with me, he adores me and provides for us.  My children are just amazing.  I have a great extended family.  So why did I need to find happiness in a meaningless number on the scale?  Crazy.  As I've gotten older, I've seen the discontentment with our bodies as women.  We struggle for control.  It all fits together.  It all strikes right through my heart.

So 4 years ago, running became something sick for me.  I started eating as few calories as possible.  Weighing myself multiple times a day.  Hoping to see the numbers drop on the scale.  I was hoping to find happiness in that number but as the numbers dropped happiness still eluded me.  I found myself struggling to get out of bed.  My body began to fail me.  I physically couldn't run and I watched the numbers creep back up on the scale. 

I cringe when someones says to me, "If only I could loose 10 pounds, then I'd be happy."  Or, "I just need to loose this little bit of weight."  I lost 20lbs and I was no more happy then when I first started loosing the weight.  Happiness has NOTHING to do with the number on the scale, it has to do with the heart.  It has to do with our relationship to the Maker of the Universe.  It has to do with trusting Him!  

It has been a battle.  To enjoy running again without me becoming obsessive.  It is me finding joy in the girl God created me to be regardless of what the scale says.  It is stepping on the scale and not finding my worth in that number.

I am running now for the first time in 2 years.  I am running with my boys.  I am focusing on where God has me and driving forward toward contentment with this body that has brought 4 healthy babies to be part of our family.  Don't look at the skinny girl and think that she is blissfully happy, she may just be struggling with issues you couldn't imagine!

I, by no means, have this figured out.  I am very much on the journey.  Not near the beginning, and no where near the end.   God is still working on me, and I am constantly telling myself to knock it off and trust in the One who made me. 

"I Could Never Do That..."

When I tell people I home school our kiddos, a super cape must begin flapping behind me.  I am always told, "Wow, that is so hard. I could never do that." I am never quite sure how to respond because neither can I. I am usually on the brink of tears and frustration abounds in my sinful heart as I crave the "me" time everyone tells me I should have.  Believe me, the line is not short of people telling me to send my kids off to public school so I can have a break.

The problem is, God has called us to home school our children.  Yea, Yea...I DO crave and WANT time alone.  I really do want to go to the grocery store without it being a circus production and come home not utterly exhausted from corralling children.  (My children are well behaved, in my opinion.  But they only last so long before the baby attempts to abandon ship aka. the cart and the temptation to touch is just to much.)  I would really enjoy being able to make plans with girlfriends during the day...but homeschooling make friendships difficult. 

When I start listening to the people who are saying "send them to school" or "look what you are missing out on", then I start to get a little testy.  A little grumpy about the blessing God has given me.  He has given me the opportunity to home school my lovelies.  It doesn't mean I wear a cape.  It means I get through a day by His Grace.  Because, honestly, I don't know how I do it either.  It doesn't mean I possess a quality that some of these other Momma's don't have.  Because I don't have it.  I was (or am?) a trained teacher to a room full of students on roughly the same level, not this crazy all over the page craziness.  I have a climbing baby who is most interested in seeing what he can dump or tear apart or see how high he can climb or what baby proof lock he can break.  I have a preschooler who I am sure knows letters, sounds, and numbers but it isn't the most important thing in her world.  I have a 1st grader who needs a ton of reassurance and every lesson I transform into an actress to teach him. My 2nd grader hates to see anything less than 100% on his papers and is reading a few grades above level. 

God has called us to sacrifice.  And no, I don't have a cape.

The Basics

I've been in somewhat of a pit, always striving yet always missing the mark.

This week I got back to the basics.  Back to the priorities, away from my own selfish desires.  And I re-discovered grace that rains down from heaven.  The kind of rain that the sun shines through and the warm spreads through your clothing and you want to spread you arms out wide and take off twirling in the yard. 

I am sure it is no coincidence that this all happens the week after Sam's lengthy basketball season ends.

I often find that I am struggling with the sacrifices that are needed for homeschooling.  I sometimes, ok more than sometimes, find myself jealous of others that can freely go and come during the day.  I try and do that.  It fails and backfires in my face immediately.  I was in this vicious cycle for a few months.  Spending too much time out of the house, away from schooling, coming home and being frustrated that we didn't complete as much school work as I had hoped that week.  Then I would blow up.  Frustration in abundance for all. 

I've spent this week getting back to the priorities.  God has called us to home school these precious babies He has given us, and I need to be content with the call.  I am going to greatly scale back our activities for the rest of the year so we can finish the year strong.  I am going to put me feet on the solid Rock.  I am going to be content with the call that the Lord has given me, for when I am weak He makes me strong. 

Romans 12:1

Romans 12:1

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”

I get email updates from a sweet sweet woman who is pouring out all she has to orphans who live in Rwanda.  The heart she has for these girls almost explodes from each email she writes.  She gives all the praise and glory to God.  She gave up everything here in the US that was comfortable.  She sold or gave away all of her belongings.  She sacrificed.  And God has been richly blessing her.  And she isn’t afraid to shout it from the rooftops. 

And I felt jealous.  Sam and I have had a heart for overseas missions.  We had desired to go and serve.  God closed that door and we sat dumbfounded.  Then we began to see all the areas where we could serve, here, in our own town.  In the throws of motherhood I lost that.  I lost the vision of serving here, where I am.  I desire so much to GO, but what about serving where I am now?  What about serving now, as being a mother??  Is this not a mission field? Are these absolutely adorable children who call me MOM, not the perfect ones to reach for Christ? 

This is my calling, this is my mission.  One problem,  it is messy.   You see, they live with me and I spend every moment with them twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.  They don’t just see the great servant heart I have, but they also see the nasty sinful nature that run through every vein in my body.  I can’t just be around them when I’m feeling holy and good.  I don’t get to pick and choose what side of my life they see, they see it all.  Especially with homeschooling, they see it all.

So it is easy for me to get all testy about being vulnerable.  To get selfish, so I can hide the nastiness that courses through my veins full of sin.  I don’t know when it began, when I started to enjoy this journey of motherhood less and less.  Maybe it was when I started seeing my less than desirable habits start appearing in these darling little kiddos?  Maybe when it was becoming more and more difficult to do what I wanted to do?  Maybe it was when God called me to stay home and start homeschooling? 

Our first year of homeschooling was great.  The honeymoon period, it was lovely!  Then I started feeling like I was deserved to have more ‘me’ time.  I started seeing my kids act just like me, it would’ve been ok if it were all my positive qualities but it wasn’t.  I started feeling sad.  Sad about everything.  I started feeling the panic of missing a moment with my kids, trying to document everything.  It is such a vicious cycle! 

And then God brought me to a group of women who are just so passionate about God and their calling to motherhood.  Every meeting they open up their hearts and share about their short coming and struggles and we weep together.  Then, we come along side each other and encourage each other.  It was through these women that I was reminded of my calling.  My calling of mothering my children.  Sure, I have had this thought before.  Yes, it has been the desire of my heart for years.  But it wasn’t till this group that I saw it lived out, and real! The real struggle between our own sinful, selfish, desires and the desire to pour all we have on raising our kids.  

I read this verse in Romans, and realized that this isn’t just about me pouring my life on to a mission field in some foreign country but it was about me pouring my life into what I have here, IN MY OWN HOME!  Praise GOD!  I am focusing on my body being a living sacrifice right here in my own home!  Practicing worship, every sing day, every single moment! It is about dying to myself, daily.  I may not have to get on a plane to sacrifice.  That would be easy.  But what about giving up my shower (like today!)?  What about giving up running? What about giving up my ‘me’ time?  I can’t look at these sacrifices with a sad heart, or worse.  I have to look at them as an act of worship, and God wants us to worship joyfully!  And He wants us to worship with our whole heart. 

So dear Mother, will you answer the call?  Will you choose to worship the Lord in your home?  Will you choose to see your home as the mission field God has called you to?  Will you offer your body as a living sacrifice?  It isn’t easy.  But I promise you, if we would follow God will for our lives as Momma, God will bless us! 

Not Fitting the Mold

I haven't shied away from the fact that homeschooling has been incredibly challenging for me.  I knew at the end of last year that going by the book for one of my kiddos wasn't going to work and I knew that the curriculum I was using was far to overwhelming for him.  I don't know why I didn't remember this when we bought the curriculum for this year! 

Fast forward to yesterday.  I felt so defeated.  He wasn't understanding the material.  I kept plugging away.  Trying to present the information in every way imaginable, maybe if I tried while doing a head stand?  Most days we would both end up frustrated and on the brink of tears.  I craved a conversation over a chilly fall morning with my fellow homeschooling momma and friend while our boys ran about.  I needed back up.  I needed encouragement.  I needed to be told that I wasn't a failure.  So, even though miles separate us...I sent off a quick frantic message of my failures.

Then I started listing all the positives about my kiddo.  You see, he isn't 'traditional'.  The kid would give you the clothes he is wearing, even if it was all he had, if you needed it.  A friend of ours is taking care of children in another country as a missionary and she was looking for chicken to fill her coop.  We sat down to dinner and I told them that we could name one and purchase it for the coop.  My son, went to get his wallet and took out his birthday money and bought another chicken.  Without a second thought.  Without a question.  That is his heart.  His heart is tremendous.  He is passionate.  When he is in, he is all in.  He is protective.  If you mess with his family he will let you know.

It was all these qualities that I want to enhance in our homeschooling day.  As of yesterday, I was squashing everything in him. I took a step back and looked at our day.  I looked how I wanted to school him at home (the downfall of being a trained teacher, living with a trained teacher).  I sought advise from the experts who have been at this homeschooling thing longer than I have and I was encouraged to stop pressuring him to fit the mold that I felt like he should fall in.  When I would push, he would push back.  There was no rising to the challenge, it was all just shutting down for him.  The beauty of homeschooling is helping him individually.  Not pounding with all I have to make him fit into a perfect little school student mold. 

So we are backing off and trying a different routine to our day.  I am not going to push him and make him finish everything that our extremely traditional curriculum says.  I am going to focus on loving him and challenging him without discouraging him.  He is one awesome kid, and I am going to soak up every moment I can with him before he grows into a young man and spreads his wings! :)

A Grip So Tight

I stop and just watch the children around our table.  School books are open and minds are absorbing and processing information.  I just have to stop and look a each one, to soak in who they are.  Today.  Today will go quickly and this day I won't get back.  I need to remind myself over and over again that these precious little ones are just on loan from God.  I want to claim them as mine, hold on so tight and never let them go.  In the process of seizing every moment with them, I find myself slipping into despair.  I want to be selfish and keep them under my wing forever.  The thought of them, the very thought, leaving our home and venturing out into the world makes me sick to my stomach.  I know that they will eventually leave and spread their own wings, I know this.  But some days I just like to pretend that the reality was just a dream.

The weight I feel raising children to love the Lord is overwhelming.  It is when I want to do it on my own and when I want to be selfish and to hold on so tight that I find myself slipping into despair.  Or depression. 

And then I am reminded that they aren't mine.  They are God's and the love he has for my children is far more than I could ever offer.  It drops me to my knees.  I keep a sticky note in the front of my bible of a quote from John MacArthur that I once heard on one of his radio programs.  It says,

"Godly mothering focuses on the adulthood from the start. Focuses on the long term objective which is mature godly sons and daughters who will bring honor and glory to God."

So when these days of housework, homeschooling lessons, refereeing fights, making 3 meals a day, etc. seem long and I crash in bed at night... and I find myself slipping into the throws of depression that I am not seizing the day enough ... I am reminded that my long term objective is mature godly children who will bring glory to God!  And the love that God has for my little babies is far more than I could even fathom.  That is where I take great comfort in these long days of many parenting failures and a few triumphs.