Sunday, August 3, 2014
The Scale and Happiness
I started experiencing pain when I ran, I hated getting out of bed. I was sad. I made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about depression. My fear wasn't in talking with the doctor about despression (something a lot of Christians claim is taboo) but my fear was in the scale. Eating so little for days before the appointment hoping I would happy with the number on the scale. I chose my clothes carefully, you know...the ones that were lights. I felt so crazy. Maybe I am not the only one?
Sam had the talk with me. I needed to stop, I needed to stop counting calories. Stop stepping on the scale. He was worried, scared. People prayed fo rme. I don't remember much of the time after that. I believe I quiet everything cold turkey. Exercise, the scale, and the calorie counting.
Then I started feeling better. I started running again. Running for the joy of moving, not to burn the calories from the cookie I just ate. I shared with close friends to be accountable. I knew there was a balance and I began my journey to find it.
I have avoided going to the doctors for more than a year because I didn't want to step on the scale. I have been back to running and exercising and have not stepped on the scale once. I knew I needed to go to the doctors, I am not getting any younger and my age is approaching my mom's when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I was sitting in the waiting room beginning to panic. I had no idea what that number would be, so I sent a message to a dear friend. "Do I face the scale or turn away?" I decided to face the scale head on. I kept repeating, "My worth and happiness is not found in the number I will see on the scale." I will admit that I still had an inner battle as the nurses recorded the number. I sat in the room waiting, having this inner dialoge about that 3 digit number. Asking God's forgveness for caring about it. Asking him to help me continue moving forard on this journey of healing. The number shows that I am healthy and strong. Nothing else.
Today, I find my happiness in Christ. His faithfulness. His love for me.