Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Scale and Happiness

I have been avoiding doctors visits for the better part of two years.  Not because I am afraid of bad news, but because I am afraid of the scale.  I went through a time in my life when I would weigh myself multiple times a day.  Working out and running, striving for a lower number on the scale.  Some where along the way I started to believe I would find happiness in the lower number.  I have been very blessed in my life with parents who have and do love me where I am.  I am blessed with a husband who loves me more than I can even fathom.  I don't know why after the birth of our 3rd baby that I suddenly struggled so much with being skinny enough, looking for happiness here.  When I look back, I have no reasons.  It didn't matter how low that number got on the scale, how much I starved my body of needed nutrients.... it was never enough.

I started experiencing pain when I ran, I hated getting out of bed.  I was sad.  I made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about depression.  My fear wasn't in talking with the doctor about despression (something a lot of Christians claim is taboo) but my fear was in the scale.  Eating so little for days before the appointment hoping I would happy with the number on the scale.  I chose my clothes carefully, you know...the ones that were lights.  I felt so crazy.  Maybe I am not the only one?

Sam had the talk with me.  I needed to stop, I needed to stop counting calories. Stop stepping on the scale.  He was worried, scared.  People prayed fo rme.  I don't remember much of the time after that.  I believe I quiet everything cold turkey.  Exercise, the scale, and the calorie counting.

Then I started feeling better.  I started running again.  Running for the joy of moving, not to burn the calories from the cookie I just ate.  I shared with close friends to be accountable.  I knew there was a balance and I began my journey to find it.

I have avoided going to the doctors for more than a year because I didn't want to step on the scale.  I have been back to running and exercising and have not stepped on the scale once.  I knew I needed to go to the doctors, I am not getting any younger and my age is approaching my mom's when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was sitting in the waiting room beginning to panic.  I had no idea what that number would be, so I sent a message to a dear friend.  "Do I face the scale or turn away?"  I decided to face the scale head on.  I kept repeating, "My worth and happiness is not found in the number I will see on the scale."  I will admit that I still had an inner battle as the nurses recorded the number.  I sat in the room waiting, having this inner dialoge about that 3 digit number.  Asking God's forgveness for caring about it.  Asking him to help me continue moving forard on this journey of healing.  The number shows that I am healthy and strong.  Nothing else.

Today, I find my happiness in Christ.  His faithfulness.  His love for me. 

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