I blew it.
Flat out blew. it.
A year ago I would complain that I didn't have time. After all, I was a busy mom to three little ones. Busy, Busy, Busy. Honestly, I was lazy. It was easy to use the mom excuse to put things off that I just flat out didn't want to do.
Today? I really am busy. Sam will come home and ask if I did something that I had told him I'd do...and I could blame it on pregnancy brain but it likely just got pushed out! I *think* my house is cleaner and I work hard to get laundry put away in an orderly fashion rather than living out of clothes baskets. And eating out is a thing of the past.
In all honesty, I had no idea homeschooling would be so much work. It consumes my every thought during the day. I am constantly thinking of ways to push the kids to learn more, to learn better. To help them in areas they are struggling with I am trying to think of ways to approach the material again in a non-traditional way to help them grasp it better. Every moment right up until dinner time. And then every moment until bedtime is centered around learning. Yes yes, I can be a slave driver. I worry that I'm forcing to much work and not enough play. I try and have my plan book closed and put away off my desk by 4pm each day so I can focus on dinner but even while chopping veggies I'm thinking of ways to help T grasp recognizing numbers. Or ways to help Isaiah become more efficient at reading.
One little one has been left out of much of this homeschooling madness in my brain. Our little girl is too young for school but old enough to know that she isn't involved. I thought I was trying my best, but my best was pushing her off to play by herself. Homeschooling has been the biggest adjustment for her. Last year she had me all to herself while the boys were in public school, this year the boys require 150% of my attention...and she gets pushed out. Today she decided to let me know her thoughts. It was a sobering wake up call for me. I felt horrible when I realized that her heart was aching for some of Mommy's attention. I stopped all of our lessons for an hour or so in the afternoon and sat with her and read to the children "The Mouse and the Motorcycle" and then we snuggled while watching "Go Diego Go!" I have a friend that I reached out to in the middle of my near meltdown (and then freak out of...oh my goodness, it is only going to get worse in January when our new little one arrives!) She focused me and will help hold me accountable over the next few months.
And tonight, we crept up to her bed while the boys of the house were intensely watching their nightly Wheel of Fortune. I knew she was craving some snuggle time, and I was too. She held my arm so tight around her little chest. We prayed together and then I watched her drift off to sleep. Praising God for the gift of these precious little ones that He gave us and praying, oh praying, that I won't blow it again. Praying that I will take the time to STOP and just BE with the kids. Praying that I won't work away these precious days while they are all here under my roof with lessons and miss life passing by.